


from home (voices of a distant star).

by nwhrs



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: (tho it isn't really confirmed but the hints are here jsnadn), Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst with a Happy Ending, Aromantic Zhong Chen Le, Arospec Park Jisung (NCT), Gen, Internalized Arophobia, Mentioned Johnten, but it doesn't go unmentioned sjdnhabd, but it's still here ;o;, i have No idea of space / sci-fi but here we go??, it's only once and with quick resolve, no one is (actually) dying at the end, talk of death, tbh this is so self-indulgent, tin literally says 'sad space au'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-03
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:08:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27368560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nwhrs/pseuds/nwhrs
Summary: Chenle is a dying space-born who might not make it to earth. Jisung is a failing space cadet who might not make it to space. They start to exchange (delayed) video messages, and everything spirals from here.
Relationships: Park Jisung & Zhong Chen Le
Comments: 2
Kudos: 7





	from home (voices of a distant star).

**Author's Note:**

> ... and here we go to my first published fanfic, resolving around ChenJi because their friendship has me in tears every time :((((( It's remotely inspired by the [From Home](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3p7s7Rjh4fg) MV (cue Chenle being the only one inside uwu), and special thanks to [Rose](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinnamonsun/) for talking with me about that MV, beta-ing and just generally support me in my attempts, I love you !! ;o; <3
> 
>  **For reference:** Chenle & Jisung are the youngest by around a decade; followed by the rest of the Dreamies and WayV's maknae line (in their early twenties at the beginning of the story) & everyone else (mid- to late-twenties at the start).  
> I only mentioned the From Home (spaceship crew) & Misfit (selection of earth people) units + Jisung (obviously) and Ten (I'm,,, biased,,,)!!
> 
>  **Do note** that death is mentioned and thought / talked about rather frequently. Also, internalised arophobia plays a role in one scene, but gets resolved in the following paragraphs (pls give your arospecs a hug uwu).  
> Do let me know if you think I was insensitive at a time, and I'll try to rewrite it !!

Some things are incredibly hard to obtain.

Like a legendary boss drop or something similar. Something that isn't hard to acquire because of its rarity alone, but also because it's linked to the first step of all - to defeat the boss before anything else can happen. Before you can even acquire the mere _chance_ of hoping for the drop, you have to get there first. And if that is already a feat itself, then, the possibility to _actually_ acquire it are incredibly low, taking everything together.

Yet, hope doesn't die this quick, or it wouldn't be hope.

  
  


\-----

  
  


The air is filled with something serene. Through the slightly open window, the sound of wind rustling through late autumn leaves is audible. The little gap exposing the inner to the outer world lets through a taste of the outside, while remaining within those four walls. Wooden planks generously surround the only boy in the middle of the cozy room from afar. Laying his head down on his arms, he has his eyes closed, the array of various board games and snacks in front of him entirely ignored (he has seen it so many times already). He is young, a child of about ten years, and yet something heavier seems to keep him seated on the ground, firmly stuck to the place he is in right now.

(If one didn't know better, one could think that he is _waiting_ when he isn't, not so much.)

He only wants to get carried away by the thoughts he possesses, to get lost in the dream within a dream he is dreaming right now …

If only dreams come true.

"-Chenle, how long do you plan to stay in the simulation?" a voice interrupts the train of thought he had, almost shrill compared to the peaceful tranquility he has imagined himself to be in. With a groan, the boy opens his eyes, only to be met with the slowly disappearing sight of the cozy cabin in the woods (not the scary ones; he doesn't like those). Pixel after pixel, it disappears - moreso changes into something else entirely, revealing what's hidden underneath it in reality. Warm blankets are turned to smooth surfaces of chrome, and the last feeling of any breeze is soon to be discovered to be produced by a ventilator, nothing else.

There is no wind where they are.

Instead of softly golden light, he is surrounded by cold metal and blinking lights in a sirring neon blue. Everything screams _artificial_ to him, but he knows the _other_ world has been the truly artificial one. This, this is sadly his actual reality.

The boy frowns. "Kun-ge! You said I could stay here for longer!" he immediately jumps up, dragging the worn-out teddy bear up with him (the only fluffy feeling that remains of whatever has been there). He doesn't reach much height compared to someone more than twice his age (Chenle likes to argue he must be much older, though, for how un-funny he is sometimes), but it's still something. It's impressive enough coming from a boy who just celebrated his tenth birthday.

The older sighs. "Yes, I know, it's supposed to be your birthday gift to stay for as long as you want, but … the crew needs the room now. I promise you can use it again when they're done, for the rest of the day and tomorrow?" he tries to reason with a soft voice, kneeling down a bit, so he can meet the younger eye-to-eye.

But, if only things were this easy with him.

Chenle inhales sharply, clear eyes twinkling at the older with a stern expression on his face - determined, for all it matters. He exhales the breath he's been accumulating. "I HATE YOU!!" he bursts out without so much as batting an eyelid, right into the other's face before he's already running past Kun, leaving a stardust trail of extraterrestrial squealing noises behind him, teddy bear in tow.

Kun flinches, face automatically scrunched up as he heard the first syllable - saw him inhaling, really - and he sighs. Now he's alone in the devastatingly bare room. All he can do is watch Chenle running out into the corridor and rounding the corner, effectively disappearing from his sight.

… Or, almost.

Before the young boy is gone for good, his head pops up again. "You better keep your word!" he shouts, staring at him with the most menacing glare he can muster (it's not much). And _then_ , he is really gone.

Kun sighs, and it's quite a long one.

It isn't like he hates or dislikes Chenle - it's true the boy tends to be insufferable at most times, but what can you do when you're the only child aboard on a spaceship full of adults? His birth has been a miracle, given how low his chances have been, and it is one that hasn't appeared again ever since. He is incredibly beloved by everyone in the crew, and all of them try their best to give him the attention and the affection he oh-so-loudly demands, but there is only so much they will manage. All of them are his guardians, but none of them will be actually a friend to him, not in the way Chenle wants, maybe needs to have - a _friend_. It sounds so simple, yet it gives him a headache.

He sighs again. He has to clear up the simulation room for the next usage, but there is an idea forming in his head. It might take a while, but … perhaps he should talk with Taeil later on. After all, he's the captain, and there are only so many messages he can possibly send without his approval.

  
  


\-----

  
  


Nobody is telling him, but he knows it, anyway.

By age of twelve, Chenle knows this much about the world - _his_ narrow-minded, yet open world - to be able to discern between the little nuances the 'grown-ups' are talking in. The ones they use to tell him 'maybe' when it's actually a 'no'. The ones they use to tell him that they aren't mad when they are.

The ones they use to mantle the fact that he's dying, and they know it, and he knows it, too.

It's terrifying, yes, but rather than to be mad about his weak constitution (which has been evident to himself and everyone ever since his life started so shakily, a thin thread that holds it all together), he is mad about the insincerity - the fake smiles they send him and the fake happiness they muster up to pretend as if the world is just fine. They fake it all, and they all say nice things when in truth, they are sad and desperate and he is so sick of it.

None of the adults understand him.

None of them understand that it hurts even more to see them all trying to hold onto hope when it's so evident that they have lost it.

Lucky for them he hasn't. If anything, everyone else's grief over something that hasn't even _happened_ in first place only makes him more determined, only makes him want to prove them to be wrong. It's a petty grip on fate, but for so much as two years, he makes it worth.

He surpasses their expectations, and he is stubborn. Because of that, some are beginning to experience hope again; some are even more worried, but here is - Chenle, and nobody else.

Breathing. Existing. Barely alive.

Truthfully, spending most of his time asleep because he doesn't have the energy to jump around and wheeze all the time anymore is considerably _not_ living. Spending most of his waking time in the simulation room and living in a daydream he knows isn't real is _not_ living, either. But the never-ending desert of silver and reflections, reflections of his own pitiful self, they make him sick, and he doesn't want to think about it anymore.

He just wants to imagine how life could be, on earth, somewhere below …

He has heard so many stories, he believes he can almost imagine the lavish fields of green, of golden rows of corn and _smells_ of grass and something else. _Soil_ , actual soil, and sunlight - _real_ sunlight.

It is almost ridiculous, how he can miss something he hasn't ever experienced.

But he still does, an aching feeling in his chest. Too young to describe it, but not too young not to feel it. He is relishing in his daydreams of somewhere far away, head placed lightly on his crossed arms, sweater meeting a wooden table that isn't actually there, but feels _real_ enough to him. It's the most he can get, anyway, so he doesn't complain.

He's ready to fall into yet another imaginary of his as … static crackles, but it's a new sound. It's much unlike the usual smooth whirring of the machines, the subtle background noise across the entire spaceship, but it's here. It's a rough coughing, as if someone is just trying to remember how to breathe after their lungs got filled with dust. It's getting rid of years-old dirt and revealing the functional thing underneath it. It's one sound after another - not many in quick succession.

  
Startled, the boy sits up, only to be met with … more crackling. And the old TV flimmering, something he hasn't seen before - _ever_. He always thought that old thing is more like, ambiente or something, a projection … not actually _functional_. He squints hard.

A screen appears. An actual, digital image - in the digital copy of reality.

The gigantic face of a boy appears - moreso, his _eye_ appeared before he has the decency to stir away from the camera. The boy does not seem so much younger than himself, but … still younger. Most likely. Around his age? Chenle's eyes widened, this is … new.

"Woah, does it work?" a strangely distorted voice rings through to him. "It works, doesn't it?" The smile on the other boy's face looks really stupid.

"Of _course_ it works, you idiot," Chenle says before he can catch himself - did he … did he just reply to some random face on the screen? This is … absolutely weird.

The boy stares. Digital eyes stare back. Radio silence for a few seconds, seconds that make Chenle scrunch up his face. What the hell …?

Some muttering in the background that he cannot decipher make their way into the audio.

"'kay, 'kay, I'll start already, don't pressure me! It's the first time recording, and like, it's my introduction!" the boy on the screen whines to someone who isn't visible, but audible through his pristine laugh. The boy coughs, clears his throat and stares into the camera. (A bit _too_ intensely, if you asked Chenle … this just doesn't look normal anymore!)

(... Not that he actually knows anything about that.)

"Uh, my name is Park Jisung and I'm eleven years old! My birthday is just in a few months, though, so I'm _practically_ twelve," he beams.

Chenle snorts. He throws a (virtual) popcorn at the (virtual) TV screen. "Don't be so proud of that, you idiot," he lets out with a huff (even though he's pretty proud of his age, too).

This Jisung boy continues, as if nothing ever happened (because on his side of the screen, nobody is throwing popcorn at him, probably). "Aaaand! I'm going to space once I'm a grown-up! OH, yes, I'm currently on earth, but, one day …" the boy exclaims enthusiastically, his eyes gaining a starlit gaze as his eyes seem to go up - further and further up.

Chenle has been staring at the screen, frowning - until he mentioned where he is from, where he _is_ , probably, in this very moment. Down on earth while he's stuck to vegetate through space with people who don't get him. He feels a pang of jealousy rising in his mind - frustratedly, he tries to reach for the (virtual) remote to stop that stupid thing from running. "What's even so good about space, it's all just trashy stuff nobody can pick up …" he mutters to himself, but just before his (real) fingers can touch the (unreal) remote, the weird boy speaks again. Chenle stops.

"Uh … so, and, who are you?" Jisung asks, sheepishly, young eyes filled with wonder. He scratches the back of his head, turning to someone Chenle cannot see, "Was that right? I'm supposed to ask this, right? But - this is so weird! I talk to a _camera_?"

The boy doesn't understand the answer that follows, but even if he could have, there is a myriad of emotions he has to deal with first.

Wait … why does the boy talk to _him_ , or anyone, in particular? This is … just odd. Strange.

(It's been long since someone has asked for who he _is_ , mainly because everyone believes they know it already. They saw him growing up, but that doesn't have to mean anything.)

"I am Zhong Chenle," he hears himself saying before he notices, just when Jisung's eyes on the screen flit back to the camera.

Of course, Jisung doesn't react to his word. The video just continues. "Uhhh, so I heard you're a … space-born? Is that right? Omo, I can't imagine how _cool_ it must be! Do you see a lot of stars? Please tell me it's just as amazing as I think it is … I wish I could be there already! It always looks so … _wow_ -ing from afar!" A dam seems to have been broken, Jisung's words an incoherent blabbering the more he can think of words. Sometimes, they're the same, but he says them with such a conviction, it's fascinating. It makes Chenle laugh.

"What, he's really an idiot …" he mutters to himself as he continues to listen to him. He wonders - does that boy actually mean _him_? So far, he knows he's one of the rare 'space-borns', so there are only so many people he could mean. Definitely no one from the crew. Someone outside their spaceship? Huh …

… How did that video get there in first place?

"-and, all those galaxies!" Jisung currently gushes. "I hope you will never get sucked into a black hole, though, or wait, have you ever warped through a wormhole? This must be so, _so_ exciting … oh, wait, I'm getting told I should also tell about what's going on down here, but it's so _boring_ , in my eyes … so, anything _you_ want to hear?" The question sounds innocent enough, yet it makes him perk his ears.

… Huh? Chenle kind of guessed that there's the expectation for _someone_ to answer, but it still comes as a surprise. That there isn't only a reply, but _another_ reply, too.

He opens his mouth to say something, but before any sound can escape, he gets interrupted.

"OH, I need to go, Johnny-hyung promised me to train in zero gravity! … Well, or he says it's more like playing until I'm old enough to _actually_ train, but … anyway! This is going to be _fun_ , so see you!" he grins into the camera with the brightest smile as if it's the most exciting thing to exist. Chenle only has an image of purple bruises in his mind, from the many times he bumped into something while zero gravity is active.

The screen roars in a short, white wave, then blackens out.

For a few moments, silence dominates the room, sans the (repetitive) sounds of (non-existent) wind rushing through (virtual) leaves. They create an atmosphere, but instead of soothing him like so many times before, they leave a hollow nest in his mind. Rather than falling back into a more common pattern, the disturbance is all he can think about.

His summary: _Weird as hell._

Before he can go on and think on his own, though, the door is opened and with this, it takes down the virtual reality as well. This time, it's not only his teddy bear and himself that are real, and not being taken away by vanishing pixels, but there's also a blanket that's been carefully wrapped around the black-haired boy.

He looks at the door, and a soft smile meets his gaze.

"I think we should talk," Taeil says gently.

  
  


\-----

  
  


Usually, when he is in The Office™, it means he broke something (again) or has done something (again) that doesn't sit quite well with everyone aboard. Usually, he gets away with whatever it is pretty easily, but something tells him this isn't about any of his faux-pas. This is … this is something else.

It probably has to do with the video, this much is obvious. Which would mean that Chenle is - most likely - not at fault, so he wouldn't be scolded _per se_ , but he still looks … guilty as charged.

The older sighs. "You're not in trouble, alright?" the captain says with a worried smile - it kind of seems to be his standard, or at least around Chenle. It would be sort of fascinating, if not mostly annoying.

"Ok?" the boy only comments, suspicion lacing his eyes.

Taeil clears his throat, pointedly.

"Actually, it's your Kun-ge who started all of this, so any complaints should be directed at him-" Chenle only stares at him with an eyebrow raised, arms crossed in defense. Taeil sighs. "Well, he thought you'd feel lonely with only us, so he wanted a - pen pal for you. … More like, 'video pal', because you won't really write letters, but exchange video messages-" he tries to explain, but trust the youngest aboard not to let him finish.

"-But that kid is at least a year younger than me!" Chenle exclaims, frowning. "I don't want to deal with a baby."

Taeil tries hard not to roll his eyes, but he doesn't have to - it's almost _audible_ how Doyoung enters the room, rolling his eyes like the expert he is.

"Says the baby," he comments dryly as he enters The Office™ without further notice (and exactly expressing what Taeil's been trying _not_ to say). He drops a few broken gauntlets on the captain's desk, eyes trained on the youngest before he averts them. With a few words only, he explains his issue at hand to the older before he waves them goodbye again.

He doesn't even let Chenle have a chance to talk back, which is an affront in itself, but… there are also other matters at hand. (He makes a mental note to hide Doyoung's favorite book.)

"Chenle, he's only two months younger than you," Taeil tries to get back on track, hoping his words alone will get Chenle's attention back.

True to his predictions and hope, the younger boy's head snaps back. "He clearly said it would be some more months until he turns twelve and I'm _already_ twelve for a while now!" he scoffs, disappointed by that inaccuracy. That Jisung boy said so himself!

Taeil, though, doesn't lose his composure, doesn't even seem to be fazed at all - just … tired. (It makes Chenle shift in his seat, though he doesn't want to admit it.) "He was months short of being twelve years old because the video was recorded a while ago - by now, he should be twelve as well. You know how there is always a delay with messages being sent from earth to our spaceship, and vice-versa?" he asks the younger and he nods.

It's a well-known fact - it means they can only accept so many messages, and have to limit how many they send, too. It means every message has to be carefully selected, calculated and measured, so nothing goes wrong despite a - sometimes tremendous - delay. (It also means nothing should _dare_ to go wrong because that might not end this nicely.)

But … all that effort, for a stupid video message? That can't be right.

"What?" is Chenle's eloquent answer.

Taeil sighs, but his smile remains stuck on his face (Chenle does wonder if he ever gets rid or tired of that). "You're … lonely, aren't you? With only us - so, uh, we thought a friend might do you well - someone from earth, so you can learn more about it from someone who's _actually_ down there. Someone that isn't us," he explains, waits. In truth, the mechanism for this is already going and running, even as they talk, so there isn't _really_ the option to decline, but … he just hopes Kun is right about this. That they won't have to waste months of preparations.

Chenle seems to be a bit frozen in place, nose scrunched up in irritation. "You … do this for me, so I have a … friend? From … earth?" he tries to say.

Another sigh escapes into the room, though it speaks of fondness this time, and the smile becomes a bit more genuine compared to before (not that it _wasn't_ genuine to begin with; this one just seems less tired, more nice). "We love you, Chenle, and we want you to be happy, hm? I mean it," Taeil replies and he speaks in that tone that's only reserved for very serious and honest matters. Which means it usually isn't used to soothe a child.

Chenle stares at the older and finally nods. His face is still scrunched up in slight distaste and disbelief, though the prospect of … a friend doesn't sound so bad.

(It's actually pretty nice, to be honest.)

At this reply, the captain beams brightly, immediately rummaging in his drawers to fish out an old-fashioned digital video camera. "Then, up and go - you need to film a response! Best to get it out as fast as we can, so it arrives quicker," Taeil seems more intrigued and excited than the younger who just stares blankly at the equipment. "Come here, I show it to you-"

"-Can't I just use my phone?" the young boy asks pointedly, unmoving.

And for _once_ , Taeil doesn't smile. For all that could happen, he _pouts_ and Chenle feels a strong urge to just flee The Office™, but he remains.

"It's more atmospheric this way! Besides, Jisung also used an old camera, so you might as well return the favour," Taeil says sulkily, leaving Chenle in even more disbelief. But, at last, he does move and memorises the instructions like he's been taught. By the end, he already feels sleepy, though, so he heads to bed soon after.

This time, a camera from a century he doesn't know much about is laying next to him on his night table as he falls asleep. As he dreams of wooden cottages that hosts friends and family, surrounded by green nature, and trees alone, engulfed by a clear blue sky.

  
  


\-----

  
  


Recording a video is a harder task than he thought. This is the first lesson Chenle learns once he wakes up for the next time. He fiddles with the camera's settings - he's determined. It has to be _perfect_ , and nothing short of it (or at least better than Jisung's video).

By the time Yuta checks in on him, he has already retaken the mere greeting around fifteen times now, and has advanced to be a frustrated pile of flesh and a comfortable hoodie, spread across the floor.

"Hey, buddy," Yuta remarks as he enters the room, amusement coloring his voice. He _has_ knocked before, but he hasn't gotten any reply. Seeing how immersed Chenle is in this whole video thing, he knows just the reason why. "Trouble with that video message of yours?"

Without further notice, the older is making himself comfortable next to the boy who sits up, though he doesn't look much happier than before, half-way sprawled across the ground. "It's just - _hnnngh_ and _aaahng_ and _uuuuungh_ ," the younger sighs. "How am I supposed to talk to someone who isn't actually here?"

Yuta hums in response, an affirming one. "You could try to imagine the camera is-"

"I am not going to pretend the camera is a person," Chenle pointedly interrupts. "Look at this - this … old-people thing, it's … just not working. I don't think I can do this." He sounds defeated. It's surprising him, too, that he actually _wants_ to, wants to make it _work_ , somehow. Perhaps Taeil has actually a point, and perhaps … he just wants to try.

But there isn't enough determination left in his body to build yet another illusion.

The older observes the other quietly before ruffling his hair in a playful manner. "How about you talk to me, then? I hold the camera and you get going?" he suggests, determined to help to make it _work_ \- if that's what he wants, and it seems quite obvious as he continues trying.

Chenle contemplates it for a bit, though ultimately shakes his head. "You're too old," he huffs. Yuta lets out an exasperated gasp and immediately pulls the younger closer in a tight hold, only intensifying his whining as Chenle squeals in his grip. "YA!" the boy squeezes out of his lungs.

" _Ya_ yourself, Chenle - this is not a way to speak to a respectable elder," Yuta sounds wounded, but the far too dramatic expression on his face reveals the mock theatrics of this antics.

The younger tries to fight himself out of the hold, but to no actual avail - the only thing remains is to give up and he holds both his hands up in the air in defeat, palms out. "Okay, okay, _okay_ , I'm sorry - please, go easy on me-" he sighs, praying for mercy - and who is Yuta not to comply within the span of miniature moments?

Loosening his grip, he still half-way cradles Chenle, humming a soothing melody as he tries to think of something that could ease this for the other. It seems to be important to him, even though the boy might not want to admit it.

"How about going to the simulation room, and record it there? Perhaps imagining it will be easier for you, and you like it in there, don't you?" Yuta suggests in-between swaying and rocking Chenle back and forth with himself.

The boy hasn't spoken in a while now, also thinking about what he could do - _if_ he can do it in first place - and he freezes in place as the older's suggestion occurs. Yeah … "Why haven't I thought about it before - thanks, Yuta-ge!" Within seconds, Chenle scrambles out of the loose grip, collects all needed material and dashes out of the room.

He doesn't see the soft smile on Yuta's face, sighing in relief, hoping for the best to come.

Instead, Chenle almost stumbles over his own two feet as they scurry to the simulation room, praying it isn't in use just now. (He doesn't notice relieved sighs of the other crew members that he passes by in a hurry, how their eyes are emptying themselves from the worry as they see their youngest with newfound vigor - not in the state of perpetual shallow existence anymore.)

The boy tries to catch his breath once he enters the - luckily - free simulation room, hastily entering the few numbers that will generate his favorite ambiente. (With just this, the entire spaceship feels a surge of simple relief and a new wave of hope.)

Placing his favorite teddy bear next to him, he carefully lays down the camera on the table first. Trying to remember all that Taeil has taught him, he adjusts the angle, and he tries to remember the video in question, and all the words spoken. But he doesn't have to think about it much, the replay of the video starting soon after he fumbles with the remote, experimentally. Much to his surprise, it actually _works_ as it should. And the video is still here, and now, knowing just _what_ this is all about, everything makes a bit more sense.

Everything makes him smile a bit more.

It's actually for _him_ and nobody else. And he makes sure to listen to this voice, carefully.

After watching the short clip for about two times, he finally presses the record button.

"Uh … hi," his voice starts.

  
  


\-----

  
  


Years pass by in constant exchange. Their video messages become longer over time, once they find a common ground to talk about, once they grew closer - and Chenle notices just how _much_ Jisung is able to talk, unironically. He would sometimes get two hours worth of the younger boy talking, and it still doesn't feel like Jisung has talked about everything he wanted to. Naturally, there is still a significant delay in their messages - spanning from several weeks to months - and it's almost always certain that whatever they talk about in their video messages will be old snow, water, by the time it arrives.

But that doesn't stop them from talking about trivial things, such as how Kun's cooking is getting less diverse as time progresses until they're able to restock on food, how he always makes him do the dishes every third day. How Doyoung has pretended to sleep through a meeting on a dare by Yuta, only to fall asleep for real. How he thinks that Taeil's hair is getting significantly greyer by time, and the way he counterattacks is dyeing his hair an _actual_ shade of grey. How Renjun and Donghyuck can barely go by a single day without getting into a fight, actual or staged, just to keep the 'Days without Renjun and Donghyuck fighting' at a steady zero. Chenle shares his theory that they are actually just teaming up to annoy the older crew members, and it works all too well.

One time, he even ran across the entire spaceship because Jisung wanted to see it, catching everything with a shaky camera as he laughs and torments everyone with his usual loud voice (but compared to silence, this is so much better).

Jisung, too, shares stories from down below, from the academy he visits. He shares his plans to become a space explorer one day, and how much he looks up to Johnny who helps him train the most. How Jeno has helped him record the starry sky from the earth's perspective the other time, and how Mark is only able to utter confused _what_ s whenever he points the camera at him. He talks about how Taeyong fusses over him each time, and wants to make sure that he's in bed on time, and what ridiculous excuses Hendery utters to avoid getting marked as late (he still gets marked, though). How there are new recruits - Yangyang and Sungchan - who are fun to be with. How talented they are - and how much he looks up to them, too.

Usually, he tries to film outside as much as possible, as per request of Chenle, and has even made a small tour through the academy and campus - the insides have been pretty boring for the boy confined to insides all the time, much more interested in the outside world. But Jisung has spoken very highly of all those technical things that are there to discover, immersed by the possibilities and a silent yearning. It makes him think that some boring stuff might not be half as bad.

Both talk about how lonely it can be to be the youngest up or down where they are, and sometimes, they talk about imagined realities - how nice it would be if Jisung were in the same spaceship as Chenle, how funny it would be to have Chenle down on earth, so they could go to school together (though Chenle frowns at the thought of going to a school designed for, well, going to _space_ when he really thinks he has seen enough of that).

They don't talk about how this future might never happen.

Chenle's condition has been stable for another six years, actually, and he is able to celebrate his eighteenth birthday with everyone else. Even though there hasn't been a video to reply to just yet, Chenle sends another one on its merry way through the vastless emptiness of space, hoping it might just arrive somewhen timely, considering he only yelled for about a minute - in time for Jisung's birthday.

But it's a ticking bomb, he knows, a sleeping lion that just isn't awake yet.

Jisung sometimes shares academic things, too - how everything is so _hard_ to understand, sometimes. He doesn't say it, but Chenle thinks there is just the slightest thought of, perhaps, not being able to make it. It's frustrating, especially, when Jisung talks so fondly of space and the other recruits - how well they do, and how amazing they are (how little he is compared to them, or so he thinks). It does make Chenle want to punch that (virtual) TV on which he still plays all videos, but he can only say reassuring and motivating words in his own videos. No immediate reaction, and it hurts.

He just hopes his videos won't ever come too late.

  
  


\-----

  
  


"Chenle …" a sad voice drops through the frantic audio. "Ah, Chenle …" the same voice repeats, now audibly sniffing. Jisung looks visibly distressed as he holds the camera, revealing only his face, though Chenle still recognises tidbits of grass and the blue sky in the background. "Chenle, I'm so sorry …" Jisung laments further before he _finally_ moves out of the frame to reveal a truly devastating field of … whatever remnants of a vegetable garden are there to be discovered.

"Josy died … and basically everyone, but _Josy_ -" Jisung starts.

Like a lightning bolt, Chenle jumps up from his comfortable seat, clearly agitated. " _YA_ , Park Jisung! You - you _idiot_! You had _one_ job-" he talks ruthlessly over the audio.

"-I know I had _one_ job, but-" Jisung laments at the same time. A string of unidentifiable syllables follow, strings of excuses and Chenle cannot believe it.

The vegetable garden has been a collaborative work over _months_ (with really, the actual labour on Jisung's side, but Chenle did all the planning, and both did the naming). And now, it's destroyed by a single feat, as shown in a single video - he hasn't even seen the actual fruition of his work before, only snippets of photos here and there when Jisung remembered to take them.

He lets out a long sigh - he cannot _believe_ … disbelief is coloring his face, morphing it into a painful grimace. Just .. just as … He erupts into a laughter that shakes his whole body. Similarly, the Jisung in the video has stopped with his lamentations to burst out in a wheezing laugh, distorting the video.

"Omo, sorry, I shouldn't laugh, but … but Josy just looks- … so _weird_ ," Jisung stutters out as he tries to still his hold on the camera. He's zooming shakily, bringing the tomato plant into focus that has been twisted in all the weird ways, by storm and probably Jisung's attempts to save it, which effectively only severed the damage.

"I really wish you could be here, Chenle," he sighs, his voice appearing off the screen, calmer now. "I bet you could fix that."

Chenle only snorts. " _Of course_ I could," he says triumphantly, to no one in particular. (He has never touched soil in his entire life.)

  
  


\-----

  
  


The start of the next video is surprisingly dark - Chenle assumes he must have recorded it in the night or something, and he isn't so wrong about it.

"Hey, Chenle … it's about midnight here, but I just received your video and watched it and, you know, just wanted to reply asap," Jisung whisper-says into the camera, eyes dripping of suppressed sleep, yet filled with a glimmer of amusement over what he just saw. But it's not enough to cover up the slight redness around his eyes, and Chenle immediately starts to worry - but it isn't like he has to pry and wait for too long.

Somehow, secrets have diminished and the truth has evolved between them more than between him and anyone else, even though the distance isn't one to simply shrug away.

Perhaps, it's easier to trust someone you won't run into every other hour, or perhaps it's just Jisung, and his honesty to begin with.

"Uh, sorry, I probably look the _worst_ , it's just … I failed that exam - again - for the, you know, actual space training. This entrance exam thing. … For the real thing. I talked about it before, right?" he sounds sad, yet so hopeful - Chenle's heart clenches and he hugs the still-kept teddy bear in his arms a bit tighter.

Jisung sniffs, it's a rough sound in the broken audio (none of them understand why they just can't use their _phones_ for better quality, but the nostalgia of old people who are in control of sending and receiving messages is just … overwhelming). "Sorry, I just - I _really_ thought I could get in this time, Johnny-hyung managed to do this when he was _sixteen_ , and I - even Jeno-hyung passed on his second try, and ..." He buries his head in the pillow. For a solid ten seconds, only the crown of his head is visible, freshly dyed a shade of blonde. "... Am I not enough?" Jisung mutters, but tries to smile in an instant. "Omo, this became depressing very quickly, I wanted to talk about something else, too - for _days_ , you know? So-"

But Chenle has stopped the video. What the hell? This is not - not _fair_ , and with newfound anger, he furiously rubs away the tears that are coming down, dripping. "Ya, Jisung, don't struggle - you shouldn't be allowed to struggle," he cusses, but really, it's a call-out to fate. It's not fair that both of them are struggling, he thinks it's fine when it's just him - why must it have to be the both of them?

(Or is this the sole reason they were brought together? So they aren't alone in their suffering?)

Muttering words under his breath, the boy wills himself to continue the video. It does get funnier over time (Jisung just reports that there has been unauthorised trespassing, something about a dancer who calls himself 'Ten' entering the zero gravity rooms for the sole purpose of dancing, and upsetting just about anyone and Johnny; and Jisung makes an _outstanding_ imitation of zero gravity dancing while tucked away in bed, clearly controlled by full gravity while he is simultaneously trying not to wake anyone up). Yet, there is still a knot in his throat, always thinking back to the start.

He has been thinking about telling Jisung what everyone seems to know, anyway, sans for the person it actually _matters_ to (beside his family, and all, of course) - the fact that he's dying and the fact that as much as they talk about it, none of their futures could become reality.

Because one of them might not make it.

He thinks that Jisung will one day be a space explorer and see all the stars he dreams of. He will travel beyond whatever has been known, and record newfound things with better means of communication. Chenle just doesn't know if he's going to be around long enough to see it, and with his continuous failure, he definitely doesn't want to pressure the younger.

He sighs. After he finishes watching the video, he immediately starts to record a reply, starting off with a full thirty minutes of encouraging messages and things he thinks could be useful - all that motivational guiding stuff he has caught from Kun and Taeil (who try to convince themselves into thinking that dealing with the whole crew is not a losing battle).

Occasionally, he coughs, but he dismisses it as nothing.

(It's the first time he's telling a lie. … Or, well, a half-lie, actually.)

  
  


\-----

  
  


More months pass by than he has anticipated, and before he knows it, he's nineteen, and a new video has arrived.

In general, those seem to come within shorter intervals than before - at first, it hasn't been much noticeable, only a few hours, a day at most. But days turned into weeks, and the gap seems to shrink with each time. As he asked Taeil about it, he mentioned something about coming closer to earth, and his heart started to beat rapidly. Maybe - _one day_ … Hope fills him, though he doesn't know anymore if that's something good or bad.

The fall would hurt so much more if-

"-You know, Ten-hyung is a space-born, too!!" Jisung's voice skips the greeting as soon as the video starts playing. His face is way too close to the camera for comfort before he remembers to take a step back. He squints. "Oh, wait, that wasn't the exciting news-" he reels himself back in, squinting even harder. "I guess … Johnny-hyung and Ten-hyung are … dating now? Which is _kinda_ freaky because I _think_ Johnny-hyung has definitely grown some grey hairs because of Ten-hyung, but … uh, love? I really … don't know. It was so sudden? And, actually, Ten-hyung insisted on breaking this to you," he reports much less enthusiastically the 'big' news. It's obvious that he thinks that a personal fact is much more interesting than his seniors' love lives - if his distorted face, a contemplating grimace, is anything to go by.

Hesitation is evident in his eyes as they glance around, the whistling of the wind audible in the background as it ruffles with his hair. He's seated outside, some well-known landscape of fresh snow and white winter serving as this video's scenery. (Chenle wants to go there _so_ much.)

Jisung in the video sighs before his eyes flit back to face the camera head-on, determined. After all, they're friends talking, right? What's there to hide?

( _Yeah …_ what's there to hide.)

"Yah … do you think it's weird? I mean, me - I'm turning nineteen next month and - and it's just, I don't know - it's not like I'm _not_ happy for them, they seem to be so happy!" His face turns into a full-blown grimace, with mild fondness shining through before he shakes the expression away. _Focus_. "But! It doesn't feel like … you know, when I look at them, I don't … really feel like I want to have what they have?" he voices, his tone confused. His body is swaying lightly with the wind, padded jacket keeping him warm. Only every once in a while, red fingertips are visible in the frame when he shifts the angle slightly. "Like, I never have - or at least I don't _think_ so …" His gaze is losing itself again.

"You know, I … I think I just want to have a friend. Friends. Is it weird that I just want to have someone I can talk to and, like, hang out with, and that - I don't want to go on dates, or kiss anyone, like, ever? Do you think this not-wanting is going to go away - or, or something? Am I just, uh, … late?"

Jisung genuinely sounds _lost_ , and Chenle huffs. The rest of the video skips over various topics once Jisung wraps his (first) monologue up, going back to the fact that Ten is a space-born over to some lunch from hell and somehow ends up in how this year's winter looks like. Jisung says it doesn't seem to be different, but for Chenle, it's always a new sight.

But as it's time to record a reply, Chenle thinks back to those first words, and finds a bit of a personal truth within them. For him, it's not only the fact that he's mostly surrounded by adults, no one quite around his age or even evoking something as 'interest' - more than that, there is just … actually, he hasn't ever thought about it until Jisung pointed it out. Even as there _are_ couples aboard, and even as he just doesn't seem to be able to escape the topic forever, it's nothing that _sticks_ to him. He cannot imagine how it must be for Jisung, who's surrounded by plenty people in comparison to the few crew members in Chenle's environment. Judging from his words … he probably has thought about it hard, regardless.

The boy feels compelled to give a proper answer, and he wants to give it the same thought Jisung has probably had. Instead of recording instantly, he goes around the spaceship first, eyeing every adult with care before asking them for their thoughts. And he asks, collects, categorises, sleeps in-between, eats a few bits, continues his research. It's limited, for sure, but by the end of the day, he has a spreadsheet together and is ready to anwer.

"Yo, Jisung!" he greets the camera (it still feels a bit weird, but he's used to it now). "I got your message and, uhm, I did some research here on board, and … let me start with, you're not weird, okay? Actually, I kind of have the same thoughts on it, and I personally think it's absolutely fine? You're you, and you want what you want - or, like, not want," he points out, scrambling for words, even though he has - is supposed to have them prepared. He sighs.

It's the first time he's ever talked about it - and it feels a little weird, but nonetheless … _right_.

"Nobody can force you or me to date - or marry - or, like, you know, _love_ someone. Kun said it doesn't mean that you're loveless, and Yuta added that there are many forms of love, too! Uh, and the 'romantic' one is just one of many. Doyoung also said it doesn't make you alone or lonely when you're not with someone, like, in a romantic sense - that you have other people to be with. Even _Donghyuck_ agreed, even though he usually agrees to disagree for whatever reason," he reads from the spreadsheet.

He grins as he reads on. "Renjun said he's tired of - hold on - _amatonormativity_ , and that everything revolves around love, or that love is everyone's saviour when he just wants to go to sleep. Can you believe it? What does that word even mean?" Chenle laughs. "Taeil said 'amatonormativity' is like, the expectation that everyone falls in love, romantically, and that love is suuuuuuper important and you need to have it to be happy, stuff like this, and why the hell did he explain it like I'm five? Anyway, I think that is wrong!" he says with much determination. "Taeil also said the same thing - he says people can fall in love, but it shouldn't be the general expectation. Like, yes, romantic love might be important to some - or even many -, but it's not as … as universal as some people _think_ its is, at least that's what I think. So, uhm … don't let anyone tell you otherwise - if you don't feel it, then you don't. You're not lacking, and neither am I. There's so much more interesting things to do anyway!"

He halts briefly, thinking shortly about the words spoken and the words yet to come.

"But, like, if you do love someone one day, that's fair, too, right? And if not, then not. Whatever you think and feel, it's valid, alright?" he pauses, staring directly into the camera. He doesn't think he's very good at it, but he tries to look reassuring. Then, "-Moreso, _Ten is a space-born?!_ Since when?" Chenle wraps up as soon as he reaches the end of his spreadsheet, his thoughts springing back and forth.

His first words seem to be a long way buried underneath whatever topics follow, though somewhere, a knot in his throat unfurls, and it feels a bit easier to breathe - to _be_.

  
  


\-----

  
  


Things become simultaneously worse and better.

For once, they are actually, confirmed, making their way back to earth, and it's only a matter of time until they're able to enter back into the atmosphere, on the blue planet they haven't seen in so long - or never, in Chenle's case.

Excitedly, of course he wants to tell Jisung from this news, from the fact that _maybe_ , hope isn't in vain and there is _something_ to get out of it, that there is a _chance_ , after all … but as Yuta checks on him, Chenle lays on the floor, coughing frantically, gasping for air that doesn't come as easily anymore.

Quickly, they stabilise him, though the unnamed has taken definite shape. Unexpectedly, yet definitely. His future is colored in dull colors, frantically switching in shape, and it isn't even safe to say that he would survive on earth.

It's all a gamble, but Chenle is nothing short of determined to win.

Even though the first video recording has been stopped, he still insists on recording a video reply for Jisung, frowning and glaring whenever someone tries to get the camera out of his hands. When they hide it, he'll go and leave his room to look for it, so they are quick to give up, as long as he stays in bed.

Thus, as hours drop by in an inexplicable slow manner, he starts the recording with a weary smile. He looks thinner, must be - it might come as a shock to Jisung, though he couldn't help but to wonder if there have been signs, anyway, along the way. The coughing, the fact that his videos are shrinking in length, the fact that he's just _so tired_ all the time …

"Hey, Jisung," he says after a small cough, smile in place, albeit shakily. "I'm sorry I never told you, but … I … I think i'm dying," his voice is merely above a whisper, and he has to get close to the camera to have it recorded. "Like, right now. I'm sorry I haven't mentioned it before, I just … I just don't want you to get sad? Or did you know already? I'm not sure if it even matters."

He sighs, his gaze keeping on losing focus, remembering his every step so far. "... Thanks for keeping me company, though, I liked it. It would have been nice to meet you in person before, uh, _that_ , but it is what it is. Actually," he says, thoughtfully. His head is sinking back onto the pillows, his body unwilling to support him for much longer in an upright position. "I … I wonder if they, you know, they wanted us to be friends because they thought it would give me a reason to try - move on. Keep on? Not that spiting all of them wouldn't have been reason enough - maybe, they wanted to give me something - a friend - at last, as if they haven't given me everything they can already. I don't know? You know, they say humans can …" He yawns. "... can do marvelous things when they want something, huh? And I really wanted to see you." He pauses, closes his eyes for a moment.

He opens them again. "I'm sorry this is just me rambling, and not replying to what you said. You know, as annoying as it sounds, it could have been fun to attend that wedding you mentioned - you know, I think, with you, it wouldn't be half as bad." He grins, a hue of wickedness still lacing his exhausted, worn-out face.

"We … we could have …" he starts, but the ending doesn't come. His eyelids flutter open and close, a losing battle.

"It's … it's so cold …" A whisper.

A last glance. A soft smile.

"See you, Jisung."

The video stops.

  
  


\-----

  
  


Some things are incredibly hard to obtain not only because of their rarity. Some things are incredibly easy to gain, but people overlook them, and they get lost, are forgotten.

Some things are impossible to obtain because the price it takes isn't considered to be _worth_ it, and people forget about it one after another. It ends up being a legend, and a mere myth as it collects dusts, until a spark of hope and determination ignites the fire once anew.

Some things are lost, yet come back.

Yet some still manage to gamble their life for the ultimate goal, whatever it may be for them.

  
  


\-----

  
  


Golden dots of sunlight dance in darkness. It's a gentle light that illuminates and softly melts away the cold black which is tainted with the blue shivering of winter. It feels like a much-needed embrace after being lonely for so long. It's the light at the end of the tunnel, and it whispers of warm candle light. It smells of home, in its many forms. There is a bit of the usual silvery chrome that has been his home for the better - for _all_ parts of his life. There is also a bit of the wooden fragrance that he has always dreamed of, escaped to when he couldn't bear the sight of yet another technological masterpiece.

It has been all he ever yearned for, and even the simple memory of it fills him with a warmth he hasn't discovered until this specific point. It's like a little flame, slowly emerging from the core to every other part of his mind and body - a wildfire, only that it isn't as catastrophic.

Perhaps, it's more like an array of candle lights, one being lightened after the other. It's coloring its surroundings in this soft warmth, too, a loose embrace from afar.

Familiarity rises to the more remote senses of his, and slowly … surely … steadily.

Memories flood him, as they mix and repeat in his mind, until he notices something that makes the difference.

It isn't so much a memory, but-

Then, a hitch, a hesitant curl of fingers.

He opens his eyes, a wave of light flowing over him. A familiar silhouette, and an oh-so-known grin, exploding of joy.

A voice, oh-so-known.

"WOAH, CHENLE!"

**Author's Note:**

> ... I am so sorry for any space and/or sci-fi inaccuracies, I literally have no idea about it sjndbajhsdhsbbJBDJSNDJJN Thanks so much for reading !! I hope you enjoyed it at least a little bit uwu Comments and kudos appreciated, but as a ghost reader myself, no pressure lol - thanks for taking your time to lurk, anyway, and hope you have a lovely day !! <3
> 
> ~~I,,, might write Jisung's / earth's PoV one day, too,,, haha,,, stay tuned sjdnjabh~~


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